Been a while since I've updated my blog.
A lot's happened, moved back home, living with my sister, got a job at Farm and Home, helped coach legion baseball, got the head legion baseball coaching position for the Summer of 2012, and Melissa came back into my life.
At the moment, there are things in my life that I love, hate, want to change and want to accomplish.
Last year when I moved back to Holton from Lawrence, it was a bittersweet departure. I love Lawrence, I was becoming a townee, but I wasn't doing anything else. My life had hit a standstill and it was slowly eating away at me. I wasn't happy, I wasn't moving forward with my life. I was just there, going through the motions. Motivation was my problem. I really the thought process of , "If nobody cares, why should I?" Loneliness is a terrible feeling.
I moved in with Chelle and planned on being here only a year, but I've been here a few months longer than I had planned. But being around Miles has made it worth it, since he's in 7th grade, playing football (gave up motocross!!), I've been able to bond with him. I filmed all of his football games and watched game film with him, he's a natural on the football field and just needs a little guidance. He's such a natural athlete, it's amazing.
Moving back, I figured would be a fresh start, find a better mindset and would allow me to get my life back on track. So far, smooth sailing.
I love the fact that my life isn't where it's been the last 6 years, being depressed, feeling alone and thinking that nobody would even notice if I wasn't here, has exited stage left. I'm no longer in the rock bottom stage anymore, I'm on my way up and loving it. Being able to be outside, play baseball, have a practice facility to work with the baseball boys, having a job that's great with schedules and extremely laid back, are part of the things that have changed for the better for me.
Working part-time at FedEx ground on the overnight shift for 2 years was the worst job I've ever had, I worked my ass off , only to be looked over for management positions time and time again. In hindsight, I honestly believe someone was watching out for me and that I didn't get the promotion for a reason. The job was very comparable to the movie Castaway. I honestly thought I was going crazy loading trailers. It was a nice paying job, with great benefits, but the trade-off was my sanity. It wasn't a long term job if I wasn't moving up.
But moving back to Holton I realized a day job would be hard to find. The job that I said I'd never take had an opening, Farm & Home. Nathan has been my best friend since I can remember and his family is my 2nd family. Never did I want to take a job that could damage my relationship with the Hawthorne's. That relationship in all reality, is more important to me, than my own family's. The best way to describe Farm & Home, is that it's the easiest, hardest job I've ever had. There's so much to know, I'm slowly coming along. I love being around and talking to people. Something that F&H prides itself on, being very customer friendly.
The pay isn't great, the benefits aren't outstanding, but this is only a stopping point for me, while I'm in Holton. This defiantly isn't a career.
Life in Lawrence was great at first, but I never finished college, a terrible feeling, one of failure. The best time I while living in Lawrence was coaching baseball at Perry-Lecompton for 2 years. The kids had zero talent and we went 3-17 the 1st year and 6-14 in my 2nd year, with pretty much the same kids. I've never been more proud in my life of a group of kids. In all honesty, coaching those boys made me realize how much I loved being responsible for a their progress or failure. That I wanted that responsibility.
After my 2nd year there, there was a change of coaches and I wasn't retained. It broke my heart, as well as my boys, but I still went and watched them play for the next 2 years.
It's amazing how people are put in your life at the right time, like God is watching out for you and sees you're trying to improve your life. God sent me Drew Porter, I couldn't be more grateful. I was a substitute at the High School a few years ago and talked baseball with Drew. When Drew found out I was moving back, he wanted me to coach the American Legion Baseball team, or at least help out. The other coaches never contacted me about practices or meetings, but Drew was right there, letting me know what was going on.
To my disappointment, there wasn't a Junior Legion team for the younger kids. Being relatively new and not knowing the kids, I tried as hard as I could to get a Junior team together. It didn't happen and it was tough on the younger kids, going to the games, but not getting playing time. Not wanting to lose their interest, I started putting on voluntary practices. The head coach and I didn't see eye to eye, but after a "Come to Jesus" meeting, he soon started coming around. It was a tough season, never fully reaching our potential, but at the end of the season, we played better than we had all summer. I couldn't have been more proud of the kids, for never giving up.
During the fall I was asked if I would be the Head Coach next summer. I couldn't have been more ecstatic.
What I love about coaching, are the relationships I form with the kids. Knowing one of the kids was having trouble at home, I made sure he had someone who cared about him. Drew and I ended up taking him to a Royals game, we ended up being asked to participate in the Slugger Fun Run in the Little K, we had to do 2 laps in inflatable Slugger outfits. Who would have guessed I smoked both of those kids!! But what I enjoyed seeing the most was Jay being a kid, forgetting about life for a while.
One of the other relationships that I formed was with Matt Schumann. And in all reality, I didn't know how much that related to something completely irrelevant to baseball. Matt's aunt is Melissa (yes that Melissa.)
Melissa does, has and will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter how good or how bad things get. What I was unaware of was that she had moved back home. As hard as it'd been moving on from her, I can't. What I realized from coaching Matt and being around him, was how alike Melissa and him are. How big of hearts and how much they genuinely care. If there were a million Matt Schumann's and Melissa Eisenbarth's in the world, the world would be a wonderful place to live in.
I don't know what Melissa has gone through or what she's going through and how hard life going for her. But I know that the way I've been with her lately, hasn't been understanding or supportive. And whatever she needs of me, I'll do what I'm able to, because the world is better when she's smiling. The road out of depression isn't an overnight detour and you need people who are supportive and caring.
It's funny how God puts the people in your life at exactly the right times, maybe we realize it or maybe we don't, but I'm positive God doesn't make mistakes.
One of the hardest things I've had to deal with in the last 6 years was separating myself from the world and becoming numb. Staying inside all day and playing video games, since I've moved back, I've maybe played an hour of video games. I became hateful and bitter towards the world and the people in it. I absolutely hate knowing that I'm about to turn 30 and I haven't had an actual meaningful relationship in over 6 years. It hurts thinking that I may never have children or that I'll never get married . I have an Uncle who's never been married and has lived this life that I'm talking about. And he's bitter, negative and glass half empty. It scares the shit out of me, that I'm following his footsteps. I don't want that. I want to live a full-filled life. I don't want to regret not putting myself out there and trying as hard as I could. Life's too short to give 10% towards other people and worry about how much money you have or what kind of car you drive. I want to be what I set out to be when I was 10, the best possible person I can be, whether that be a coach, a father, a friend or an uncle.
Whatever my future holds for me, I have to keep a good mindset and be thoughtful of others, even if they're not thoughtful of me. Life is too short to hold grudges or have hate in your heart.
And I'll end on this, Melissa has a 3 year old son. I never thought or imagined that a child could have an impact on me like he has. It's amazing how a child can change your perspective on life. Melissa and Jaysik were put into my life, exactly the right moment. There was a day that I left her house without saying goodbye and she called me, I could tell how upset she was in her voice. What she told me, I'll never forget.
"I don't care if you leave without saying goodbye to me, but never do that to Jaysik, never leave without telling him goodbye."
And with that said, whatever the future holds, know that I'm trying to be as understanding as I can and I'm giving you everything I have.
Life has been good to me, I just haven't stepped back long enough to see that everything's falling into place.
