How to save a life

Letting go, is the one of the hardest things to do. Having faith that there's a higher power taking control. When I let go, I didn't worry and things worked themselves out.  Over the last few years, it's been harder and harder to keep the faith.  Harder to believe that better days are ahead, especially when nothing seems to work out.  Trying to keep an optimistic view is easier said than done.  It's why I've tried to surround myself with people that I thought were good people.  But now, all of a sudden, I look around and there's no one.  

Was I setting myself up for failure? Or was this how it was suppose to be? I want to believe, that someone was helping me get rid of the negative energy people.  I'm  100% fine with this, I'm not fine with looking around and nobody being here. So yeah, I'm a little insecure, but who isn't.  

When I finish my blog on the last 7 or so years, it'll all come together and make sense.  I've went from such a high, to below rock bottom.  It's just hard to explain that I've changed for the better and then for the worse, in my own mind. I hate being down like this.  The only person that can turn my life around is me.  I'm the only one that can change me. However, the people that can see my struggles have a choice as well, they can either take the time or not take the time. I'll never ask for your time though.  This isn't about anyone else, because I'm not the type of person to ask for help. I believe that my problems aren't your problems, so why should they matter to you?  If you really want to know my problems or if it really matters, you'll take the time. I'd do that if I saw it in you.  

People are to casual with another and not as personal.  It's only when you take time with someone, is when it truly makes a difference.  

Mama said there'll be days like this.

Oh how they go to fast,

moments of peace that never seem to last.

Just when I think they're here to stay, 

everything slowly starts fading away. 

Slowly I look around and see nobody in my life. Literally, no one. In a way, it's not a bad thing, but it's also not the greatest feeling. While trying to pull myself out of a hole, that I put myself in. I foolishly surrounded myself around people with pessimistic views. I guess it's easy to blame them for being that way, but I wasn't happy with anything and I reflected them. I wasn't any better.  What I did know, was living that way; bitching and blaming everyone (even myself) for my problems, doesn't get anywhere.  Some of the people that have left my life needed to leave. 

There are others, who I reluctantly had to let go of. Yesterday and the past few days, I've been a mess. It's not that I didn't know how to handle things, because it's what I've grown accustomed to. It was more of a, "it never ends." 

I decided I needed to change something in my life, get out of the bubble that I've been in.  I decided to drink away my problems, not black out drunk, hell not even drunk.  But just a drink. I've avoided drinking for the past 8 years of my life. I figured, that if I'm aware of my actions that I know when to stop. So far, today, it's a new day.  I've had a few adult sodas and my mood has changed. It's nice.

In the last 7 years of my life, I've changed. For the better and for the worse.  7 years ago, my heart was broken, shattered, and devastated. 7 years ago, I decided I'd had enough of it, hurting myself over and over. Always wanting someone to find me, rather than wanting to find myself.  

In the first 3 or 4 years, everything was coming together. I was finding myself, I found what I love, baseball. I found what my passion was, coaching baseball and being around young people and watching them grow.  I cherish everyone of the kids I coached and to this day, would do anything for them.  They know, that all they need to do is ask.  

I went to watch Aaron wrestle at Nationals in both Mankato, MN and Findley, Ohio. I went for no other reason, than to watch Aaron and take pride in what he was accomplishing.  Part of my reasoning for going to play baseball at Ft. Scott, was because of him. When he won Nationals at Labette and I wasn't able to go, since it was baseball season. I told myself if he would make Nationals again, I wouldn't miss out.  At the time, I knew nothing about wrestling, but watching a championship tournament, I quickly picked up on it and found myself a fan.

Thinking about these times, while drinking, has left me in a great mood. I need to sleep though. I'll probably be pissed when I wake up.. But it's Softball Night! WHOOT WHOOT!

I'm gonna have to make this into a series.. I need some sleep... 

but I still need to blog about:

Faith/YAG

Family

Friends/Perry

Melissa situation

Philippines

Sledding Accident

Present

Wish list

I hate days like this.

Pondering, whining and questioning everything.

Sometimes, I wish I could magically skip these days. However it's not quite that way.  I wish things would come easy and I wasn't so frail, but I'm not that way.

I wish it was easy changing the thing I don't like about myself, but it's a daily progression. A hard one if that.

I guess my wish list is adding up.    

For thought

Some days I wonder if there's a meaning to any of this. 

From my point of view, my life seems meaningless. The only thing I've ever wanted in life, seems to elude me whenever I believe it's within grasp.

The only thing I've ever wanted, for as long as I can remember, has been important to someone.  A relationship that's not one sided, but a relationship where someone wants to know me or wants me there as much as I want them.

The less I look, the less I find. The more I look, the less I care.  I'm stuck in such a rut that it sucks thinking that I'm not getting any younger and that I may never find it.  I've never really cared about what I want in life, because  the only thing in life I've ever really wanted was this. For as long as I can remember, I've never felt important to anyone. There's deep psychological things attached to this, I'm pretty sure, but it's amazing how it all changes once someone takes the time for you. 

All I'd really like is for something in my life to change. I go through such a horrid routine, only because I really have no reason to think there's brighter days ahead. It's such a shitty view and I hate it, but I really don't' know how to change it without inspiration or meaning.  

I wish I didn't have these thoughts and was normal, but I don't know how to change them or deal with them.

All it'd really take is for someone to want to be here.  I don't know how else to explain it. I'm trying to inspire myself, but I really don't care at this moment.  Some days, I wonder if I really matter enough to anyone. That's not a suicidal statement, it's a depressive statement. 

I've been alone for quite a while now and all I really want, is to be someone to somebody.

there's a lot of moving on that i've had to do and blogs like this are ones that I try to avoid. I've hidden a secret, that I never wanted. But blogs like this have been fewer from the beginning of the timeline....