moving forward

been a while since I posted anything on here.. but it's been a while since I've been this up.. and it's nice.. real nice..

Let's see... I've moved out of Lawrence.. and moved back to Holton.. there's some things I like and some things that i'm gonna have to readjust myself to...

I love the fact that I'm not working nights anymore.. that my sleep schedule is back to days.. I don't feel like I'm slowly dying..

I gotta keep plugging away.. doing something everyday to better myself and my situation..

Hitting rock bottom was necessary..

ESPN/Baseball Tonight

I haven't watched ESPN or Baseball Tonight in a while. Mainly because of their North-East coast bias towards the Red Sox, Yankees, Mets and Phillies. Oh and that's only baseball.   So I've switched over to the MLB Network as many people who actually follow baseball have.  But watching the 30 minute Baseball Tonight show this morning, I noticed they "revamped" their show, well at least for today.  They are talking about 30 teams in 30 minutes or so they say.  But still, they show their bias by talking about the AL East first, NL West second, NL East third, AL Central fourth, NL Central fifth and finally the AL West.

But there's a catch to all of this.  They left 10 teams to talk about in the last 2 minutes show and all teams are at least 10 games out of first place, except Florida (8.5).

Baltimore, Kansas City, Cleveland, Seattle, Florida, Washington, Milwaukee, Houston, Pittsburgh and Arizona.

Granted, these are the bottom teams in each division. But to me, there's a lot to talk about with each team. Rather than devoting the majority of their time about AL East.  Buster and Tim had trouble talking about other teams other than the AL East, stuttering and looking at notes through the segment.  But for everyone oblivious about ESPN's bias towards Boston and New York, just watch the first segment of the BBTN then you'll notice how much time they put into the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers and Rockies. But giving little love to the real headliners this year, the Reds, Padres, Rangers and Braves.

ESPN loves the ratings more than giving the teams their due respect. Don't believe me, look at who they follow during basketball or football seasons, college or pro.

NBA- They covered the Knicks more than the Thunder, well they covered Durant at least.

NCAA Basketball- Given that ESPN has a deal with the Big East, it's pretty easy to say they cover the Big East more than anyone else.  But I'm sure outside the Big East I'm pretty safe saying that North Carolina and Duke get a little more love than most.

NFL-They Cover Brett Farve more than any team.  Outside of the Patriots, Jets and Giants, ESPN covers most of the other teams in a similar fashion. That is from popularity.

NCAA Football-Well they have a contract with the Big 10, but it's pretty safe to say that TCU and Boise State get the shaft on airtime.

I complain about all this, because it's great to see ESPN actually have to compete with these new 24/7 networks that give more insight and airtime to each team.  Where they give viewers the knowledge about the sport, rather than a team.

And here's where ESPN is moving more towards; High School and College Sports. They're tapping into these athletics where they can promote the product more than anybody else.  It's pretty sad that "amateur" sports are coming to this, dollar signs.

How to save a life

Letting go, is the one of the hardest things to do. Having faith that there's a higher power taking control. When I let go, I didn't worry and things worked themselves out.  Over the last few years, it's been harder and harder to keep the faith.  Harder to believe that better days are ahead, especially when nothing seems to work out.  Trying to keep an optimistic view is easier said than done.  It's why I've tried to surround myself with people that I thought were good people.  But now, all of a sudden, I look around and there's no one.  

Was I setting myself up for failure? Or was this how it was suppose to be? I want to believe, that someone was helping me get rid of the negative energy people.  I'm  100% fine with this, I'm not fine with looking around and nobody being here. So yeah, I'm a little insecure, but who isn't.  

When I finish my blog on the last 7 or so years, it'll all come together and make sense.  I've went from such a high, to below rock bottom.  It's just hard to explain that I've changed for the better and then for the worse, in my own mind. I hate being down like this.  The only person that can turn my life around is me.  I'm the only one that can change me. However, the people that can see my struggles have a choice as well, they can either take the time or not take the time. I'll never ask for your time though.  This isn't about anyone else, because I'm not the type of person to ask for help. I believe that my problems aren't your problems, so why should they matter to you?  If you really want to know my problems or if it really matters, you'll take the time. I'd do that if I saw it in you.  

People are to casual with another and not as personal.  It's only when you take time with someone, is when it truly makes a difference.  

Mama said there'll be days like this.

Oh how they go to fast,

moments of peace that never seem to last.

Just when I think they're here to stay, 

everything slowly starts fading away. 

Slowly I look around and see nobody in my life. Literally, no one. In a way, it's not a bad thing, but it's also not the greatest feeling. While trying to pull myself out of a hole, that I put myself in. I foolishly surrounded myself around people with pessimistic views. I guess it's easy to blame them for being that way, but I wasn't happy with anything and I reflected them. I wasn't any better.  What I did know, was living that way; bitching and blaming everyone (even myself) for my problems, doesn't get anywhere.  Some of the people that have left my life needed to leave. 

There are others, who I reluctantly had to let go of. Yesterday and the past few days, I've been a mess. It's not that I didn't know how to handle things, because it's what I've grown accustomed to. It was more of a, "it never ends." 

I decided I needed to change something in my life, get out of the bubble that I've been in.  I decided to drink away my problems, not black out drunk, hell not even drunk.  But just a drink. I've avoided drinking for the past 8 years of my life. I figured, that if I'm aware of my actions that I know when to stop. So far, today, it's a new day.  I've had a few adult sodas and my mood has changed. It's nice.

In the last 7 years of my life, I've changed. For the better and for the worse.  7 years ago, my heart was broken, shattered, and devastated. 7 years ago, I decided I'd had enough of it, hurting myself over and over. Always wanting someone to find me, rather than wanting to find myself.  

In the first 3 or 4 years, everything was coming together. I was finding myself, I found what I love, baseball. I found what my passion was, coaching baseball and being around young people and watching them grow.  I cherish everyone of the kids I coached and to this day, would do anything for them.  They know, that all they need to do is ask.  

I went to watch Aaron wrestle at Nationals in both Mankato, MN and Findley, Ohio. I went for no other reason, than to watch Aaron and take pride in what he was accomplishing.  Part of my reasoning for going to play baseball at Ft. Scott, was because of him. When he won Nationals at Labette and I wasn't able to go, since it was baseball season. I told myself if he would make Nationals again, I wouldn't miss out.  At the time, I knew nothing about wrestling, but watching a championship tournament, I quickly picked up on it and found myself a fan.

Thinking about these times, while drinking, has left me in a great mood. I need to sleep though. I'll probably be pissed when I wake up.. But it's Softball Night! WHOOT WHOOT!

I'm gonna have to make this into a series.. I need some sleep... 

but I still need to blog about:

Faith/YAG

Family

Friends/Perry

Melissa situation

Philippines

Sledding Accident

Present

Wish list

I hate days like this.

Pondering, whining and questioning everything.

Sometimes, I wish I could magically skip these days. However it's not quite that way.  I wish things would come easy and I wasn't so frail, but I'm not that way.

I wish it was easy changing the thing I don't like about myself, but it's a daily progression. A hard one if that.

I guess my wish list is adding up.    

For thought

Some days I wonder if there's a meaning to any of this. 

From my point of view, my life seems meaningless. The only thing I've ever wanted in life, seems to elude me whenever I believe it's within grasp.

The only thing I've ever wanted, for as long as I can remember, has been important to someone.  A relationship that's not one sided, but a relationship where someone wants to know me or wants me there as much as I want them.

The less I look, the less I find. The more I look, the less I care.  I'm stuck in such a rut that it sucks thinking that I'm not getting any younger and that I may never find it.  I've never really cared about what I want in life, because  the only thing in life I've ever really wanted was this. For as long as I can remember, I've never felt important to anyone. There's deep psychological things attached to this, I'm pretty sure, but it's amazing how it all changes once someone takes the time for you. 

All I'd really like is for something in my life to change. I go through such a horrid routine, only because I really have no reason to think there's brighter days ahead. It's such a shitty view and I hate it, but I really don't' know how to change it without inspiration or meaning.  

I wish I didn't have these thoughts and was normal, but I don't know how to change them or deal with them.

All it'd really take is for someone to want to be here.  I don't know how else to explain it. I'm trying to inspire myself, but I really don't care at this moment.  Some days, I wonder if I really matter enough to anyone. That's not a suicidal statement, it's a depressive statement. 

I've been alone for quite a while now and all I really want, is to be someone to somebody.

there's a lot of moving on that i've had to do and blogs like this are ones that I try to avoid. I've hidden a secret, that I never wanted. But blogs like this have been fewer from the beginning of the timeline.... 

These Walls

The more I try to understand, the less I understand.

Everyone has problems, everyone deals with them differently. Everyone has walls, everyone has fronts. From what I've noticed over the years, everyone has a similar way of dealing with their problems.

1. Tell everyone about them
2. Hold them in and keep to self
3. Busy self, to avoid problem
4. Drink or do Drugs to forget issues
5. Avoidance of problem, self destruct
6. Deal with them and try to solve them
7. Manipulate somebody else to deal with them

There are more, but those are the basics.  What all of us want though, is someone to relate with.  Someone to listen and that understands. But it's easier said than done.  This is why we create walls, so nobody can see our problems or  get close enough to hurt us.  Too many times we want someone to understand, that we let our walls down, only to be hurt time and time again.  At times we're so needy to want someone, we don't care to recognize that we drop our defense so easily, that we actually set ourselves up for failure.


Nobody wants to be alone. Everyone wants the same thing in life, for the most part.  I'm about 100% sure that nobody wants to grow old alone though.

*updated 4/5/10 
This has taken me longer to finish than anticipated.  Mainly, because I didn't know how to put it.


In the past 6 months, 2 instances have arisen.  I've had two people in my life who I thought, I meant more to to them than I actually did.  Each had led me to believe they cared more than they actually did.  Both let their walls down, because they needed someone to be close to.  Both took what they wanted from me and gave nothing back.


I supported, cared and without a doubt put forth more time and effort into their lives than I should have.  If they were an investment, I'd be in debt without a doubt.


Each one let their walls down for me, so without better judgement, I let mine down as well.  Not because I didn't think they cared, but because I thought I trusted them.  Looking back on it, I only let my walls down so I could have someone that could listen. Someone that I thought wanted to understand.  In the end, that's all I really wanted. Because if I would have opened my eyes, I would have seen what they were actually doing.  Manipulating and putting forth little to no effort towards me.  While in the meantime, I was helping them as much as I possibly could, with their own problems. (Shame on me)


It was only until I started asking for their time, asking them to do something I wanted to do, did the "friendship" start to diminish.  It was the hardest thing to swallow.  One "friend," I've known since birth, turned one of the kids I coached and cared deeply about against me.  The second "friend," who I supported and helped beyond belief. Believed it was too much of me to be asking anything from her.


They're both gone, in a way I'm glad.  The way they treated me (when all I really asked for in return, was for them to care) is something I don't need in my life.


I rushed into letting my walls down, because I wanted someone to care.  That was my own fault, because the only way to let walls down and people in, is time.

Signs

 See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? 

For every door that's being closed, it just means another door is being opened. If you don't look for it, you'll find it. But if you become complacent, it'll never happen.

I've given FedEx, enough time to see it through and hope things would get better, it hasn't. I've already seemed to have peaked out there, about a year ago. Since then, I've tried to get back to where I was, but no matter how hard I work, I'll never move up, so it's time to move on. I have reached the end of my timeline. The only question is, what next? I need to get my life back on track, set goals, try to achieve greatness or awesomeness. Something will happen, just have to keep awake at the wheel. 

I believe there's no coincidences. I believe we're presented opportunities and it's up to us to decide if we'll take it or not. I firmly believe in this, because the result of a missed opportunity becomes a "coulda, woulda, shoulda," a regret.  We regret the opportunities we don't take. 

But I believe we're led to those opportunities by something we can't see, something called faith. A higher power, a higher being.  It's our decision if we want to acknowledge it or not.  

You need light in your life, in order to grow. You also need darkness, so you know the difference of right and wrong.  It's life's equilibrium. Everything needs to be balanced out in order to maintain sane.

The darkness in my life nearly consumed and devoured me.  Just by having faith, I knew better days were in store. Slowly and surely, I've begun to see just that.  This is why I believe. 

James 4:7-10 

7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

After I read that passage around 2003 or 2004, my life changed.  I let go, I knew things would get worse, before they'd get better. I just didn't know how long.  I still don't know how long I have to suffer, but I know and believe something or someone has been watching over me, to make sure I'd make it through.  I could have died at least twice during this time frame. My low's have been lower than low. I've never felt as bad in my life as I felt during this time.  It was almost as if I was going through an exorcism. My dues are being paid in full with interest.  I've never once questioned why I was doing this. The only question I questioned I've asked, is "how much longer is this going to last?" But during this time, I pitied myself and tried to seek pity from others, but in the end, I had to look at and answer myself . All I really wanted from someone else, was to help me or keep me from drowning. It's hard when it seems no one is there.

Life moves on, with or without you. But it's good to know that living your life, with a purpose makes it all more rewarding.

The people who've been brought into my life in the last few months, I believe, are here for a reason. One person in particular,  I can honestly say, I've never met anyone like her. I've met a lot of people in the last ten years and all of them have a special meaning, but none have the humanitarian criteria like she possesses.  She makes me feel normal. The little things in life, mean more to me than anything. Less is more, simple is underrated and being genuine about someone else's feelings is an anomaly. Feeling guilty, for having to tell someone no, is something we try to avoid, the feeling of letting someone down is a pretty shitty feeling. Even though we'd love to give into our own impulses, it's selfish to put ourselves ahead of someone else. Don't get me wrong, we do put our own priorities and ego ahead of others, we're just sneaky about it and don't let anyone catch on. But her way of thinking and compassion towards others, (isn't that far from my own) is  completely backwards of most.


I guess what I'm getting at, is that things will be fine, regardless of what happens right now. I know that in the end, I'm suppose to be somewhere, with someone and I don't know the answer to either one. I just know that I'm not worried and everything will be alright.    

The weekend that was..

On a weekend that I hadn't been expecting much, I believe it was one of the best weekends that I've had in quite a while. I need more of these. Ever since last weekend when I was given a phone number, I had a choice of what I was to do with it. This past week has been a great week, but it's also been a week of trial and error. I've been down the road of being told one thing, just because it's what they want me to hear. Then over time, I see something and someone completely different than I met. I'm a patient person and give anything enough time I'll see where the chips lay. I ain't tripping.

But as for my weekend, it was the first time I've ever seen anyone get a tattoo. It was a pretty interesting ordeal, I'm not sure I'd be able to have done it. 3 hours... on her ribcage, bleh... but she was a trooper, a champ and a squirmier..

Then we went to Tailgators. I didn't realize how much I missed some people more than others and how glad I am they're in my life. I had a blast seeing my friends from my days in Topeka. I miss them. But the reason I was in really in Topeka was because she made me comfortable enough to want to be there.

There's something about seeing someone you haven't seen in years that you had a crush on. (I've done a 180 degree turn with my life and the people that knew me, don't know who I am now. I'd like to explain, but explaining does nothing, when your actions speak for you.) Then realizing exactly why you had a crush on them. Not just for looks, but for the little things that I'd keep to myself. We've aged and grown, but never would I have believed her to be single. She's an imperfectly perfect person and I'm more than thrilled to have her come into my life.

Am I worried about how things will turnout? Not really, I can't control that stuff. I know that persistence isn't patience and that patience is consistence.

A little consistency is all we want in life.

Tiger

according to forbes he is the highest paid athlete.. and while he owes us nothing, he brought this upon himself. He believed he was the perfect guy and was God.. he said it himself.. and as far as doing the right thing? he should have stayed single, then he wouldn't be dragging his family into this. he took a vow before God when he said I do and if you understand the bible, unlike the Phelps', divorce and infidelity is worse of a crime than homosexuality.

Tiger is the PGA's cash cow as well as EASport's for his video game. He is the Michael Jordan of this time. And while Jordan had his own infidelities, TMZ wasn't there to watch his every move.

So if none of us would hold Tiger up in a high regard like we do, then none of this would really matter. But since he is the face of, dominance, cool under pressure and the ultimate sportsman. We forget that as a society we made him a God.

but it's his own fault for not having a conscience.

But Tiger didn't apologize to his penis in the presser, so I'm not sure how apologetic and sorry he really is. He was really sorry for everything and took responsibility for his actions, but never once did he bring up his penis. So i'm not sure how to take this 13 minute State of the union address.

I'm not sure if I've ever felt like more of a failure than I have at this moment. While I'm slowly getting my life back on track, my mother must have some sort of instinct where she knows my happiness and proceeds to destroy it. I dunno, but things are looking up, finally.

But I won't let it get me down. Lent is here and I'm giving up laziness. I'm going to lose this excess weight and get my shit together. It's time to do it.