Mama said there'll be days like this.

Oh how they go to fast,

moments of peace that never seem to last.

Just when I think they're here to stay, 

everything slowly starts fading away. 

Slowly I look around and see nobody in my life. Literally, no one. In a way, it's not a bad thing, but it's also not the greatest feeling. While trying to pull myself out of a hole, that I put myself in. I foolishly surrounded myself around people with pessimistic views. I guess it's easy to blame them for being that way, but I wasn't happy with anything and I reflected them. I wasn't any better.  What I did know, was living that way; bitching and blaming everyone (even myself) for my problems, doesn't get anywhere.  Some of the people that have left my life needed to leave. 

There are others, who I reluctantly had to let go of. Yesterday and the past few days, I've been a mess. It's not that I didn't know how to handle things, because it's what I've grown accustomed to. It was more of a, "it never ends." 

I decided I needed to change something in my life, get out of the bubble that I've been in.  I decided to drink away my problems, not black out drunk, hell not even drunk.  But just a drink. I've avoided drinking for the past 8 years of my life. I figured, that if I'm aware of my actions that I know when to stop. So far, today, it's a new day.  I've had a few adult sodas and my mood has changed. It's nice.

In the last 7 years of my life, I've changed. For the better and for the worse.  7 years ago, my heart was broken, shattered, and devastated. 7 years ago, I decided I'd had enough of it, hurting myself over and over. Always wanting someone to find me, rather than wanting to find myself.  

In the first 3 or 4 years, everything was coming together. I was finding myself, I found what I love, baseball. I found what my passion was, coaching baseball and being around young people and watching them grow.  I cherish everyone of the kids I coached and to this day, would do anything for them.  They know, that all they need to do is ask.  

I went to watch Aaron wrestle at Nationals in both Mankato, MN and Findley, Ohio. I went for no other reason, than to watch Aaron and take pride in what he was accomplishing.  Part of my reasoning for going to play baseball at Ft. Scott, was because of him. When he won Nationals at Labette and I wasn't able to go, since it was baseball season. I told myself if he would make Nationals again, I wouldn't miss out.  At the time, I knew nothing about wrestling, but watching a championship tournament, I quickly picked up on it and found myself a fan.

Thinking about these times, while drinking, has left me in a great mood. I need to sleep though. I'll probably be pissed when I wake up.. But it's Softball Night! WHOOT WHOOT!

I'm gonna have to make this into a series.. I need some sleep... 

but I still need to blog about:

Faith/YAG

Family

Friends/Perry

Melissa situation

Philippines

Sledding Accident

Present